[Charles_Harding]

Since the PC brigade seem to "rule" these days, it might be interesting to see just how the Battle of Trafalgar would fare if it were to take place today.......

Battle of Trafalgar 2007 style

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir"

Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy to reduce binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. Oh well, I suppose we'd better get on with it ........... full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think that you'll find that is unlawful sir. A 4 knot speed limit is now strictly enforced on this stretch of water and the coxswain already has nine points on his license."

Nelson: "Damn it man ! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Get me a report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What ?"

Hardy: "The Health and Safety supervisor has closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. He also said that the rope ladders don't meet the compulsory statutory regulations either. He won't let anyone up there until it can be made safe and proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access ramp to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access ramp ? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We are obliged to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the term. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is heavily under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next ? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and Safety won't let the crew up into the rigging without hard hats and harnesses. Also, they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the Health Advisory Committee’s report about it raising blood pressure? You are aware, are you not, sir, that the Surgeon General has decreed that the recommended daily personal allowance of salt is only eight grams ?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and instruct the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "I’m afraid that the men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What ? This is mutiny !"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're concerned about being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a team of legal-aid lawyers on board and they’re watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not ?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. And according to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could easily get hit with a substantial claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But Hardy, tradition states that we English must hate a Frenchman as we hate the Devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be called to answer for these allegations of institutional racism to the Human Resources Disciplinary Panel."

Nelson: "But surely, my fine fellow, it is our sworn duty to consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of our Queen."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive of and supportive to all races and creeds in this diverse and multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest and hard-hat; it's the rules. This regulation could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Good God, whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash ?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is now off the menu and the Disciplinary Superintendent’s think tank has decreed a complete ban on all forms of mistreatment, either physical or mental, real or perceived as well as any type of corporal or psychological punishment."

Nelson: "And the sodomy ?"


Hardy: "I believe that is now perfectly legal sir, and indeed, possibly compulsory"

Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy."

Charles H.