Tuesday funnies....

[allan40alt]

With apologies, they're all just in fun....


Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
Everybody won.




What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.




What had 3 legs and lived on a farm?

The McCartneys

But really we shouldn't make fun of macca.


After all will he ever find another woman to fill her shoe?



A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks. 'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says

'Are you the bird I sh*gged on my stag do, whilst your mate

whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my a*se?'

'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'



A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.

He says 'That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.

She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.









A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'.
His wife replies 'You've got a bigger d*ck than your brother'

__________________________________________________ _____________

[amronno]

LOL!! You naughty boy...Very funny!

[beepee]

It was entertainment time at the Day Centre for the elderly and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill.
People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, 'Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat.
'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting
'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch ....'
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the
swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. '***** !' said the Hypnotist.





It took three days to clean up the Day Centre.

[surferjr1999]

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard tobecome accustomed to the first grade. The biggesthurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on


NO baby talk!






'You need to use 'Big People' words,' she wasalways reminding them.






She asked Rehaan what he had done over the weekend.







'I went to visit my Nani.'







'No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'










She then asked Kaiya what she had done. 'I tooka ride on a choo choo.'







She said 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words.'







She then asked little Aayush what he had done.







'I read a book with my grandfather,' he replied.







'That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said . 'What book did you read?'







[I love this]







Aayush thought real hard about it, broke into a slight smile , and then asked,







'Winnie the ****?

[allan40alt]

A bedtime fairy story.

This lad was born without the usual tackle. Instead he had a nut and bolt.

He had to put up with a lot of ridicule at school and was always fed up.

On the eve of his 21st birthday a wise old lady visited him and introduced herself as his fairy godmother.

He asked her why he had been born with such a terrible problem.

"That is why I am here" she said. "It is the eve of your 21st birthday and tonight you must creep into the wood and sit beneath the large Oak tree and face the full moon at exactly one minute to midnight".

This he did and at exactly midnight a bright moonbeam shone down right between his legs.

An elf slid down it and with a magic spanner he removed the nut from between his legs. Put it in a magic bag and disappeared back up the moonbeam.

The lad was so excited and sat, and sat, until he could wait no longer.

He stood up....and his arse fell off!



Night night, sleep tight.

[surferjr1999]

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the lifeof your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?A: No, not at all. Wine is made from ! fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around themiddle?A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.Q: Is chocolate bad for me?A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
'If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3 The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[surferjr1999]

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the Special Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?Did you ever stop and wonder......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on.......

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?