Jokes Thread.... (MERGED)

Koos Holswilder · 3rd February 2007, 17:33

A man is driving along a highway
and sees a rabbit jump out
across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it,
but unfortunately
the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver,
a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay,
the rabbit is dead.

The driver feels so awful
that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman
driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the
side of the road
and pulls over.

She steps out of her car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," !
he explains,
"I accidentally hit this rabbit
and killed it."

The blonde says,
"Don't worry."

She runs to her car
and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit,
bends down,
and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up,
waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops,
turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves,
and repeats this again and again and again,
until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can?
What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.

It says...

"Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."

czechplastik · 4th February 2007, 23:41

Aww man thats terrible! lol

Meino · 5th February 2007, 09:06

I love blondes

generationgav · 5th February 2007, 14:29

Reminds me of;

A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on
the side of the road.
They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the
car.
She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold.
What should I do?"
Her husband replies "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."
She asks, "What about the smell?"
He says, "Hold its nose."

Meino · 5th February 2007, 14:38

Good one generationgav!!

Charles Harding · 10th February 2007, 15:19

Harvard Reading Test

This was developed as an age test by an R&D
department Harvard University.
Take your time and see if you can read each line
aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age can't do it!

1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is person cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the third word in each line
from the top down and then I bet you can't resist passing
it on silly but funny...

Charles_Harding · 10th February 2007, 16:39

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this
true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't
waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more
than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green
leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even
more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms
up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If
you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single ! One, sorry. My philosophy is: No
Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening....Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In
fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad
for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around
the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the
best feel-good food around!!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! !

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave and the pearly gates with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"

"How come you play at a recital but recite at a play?"

Charles H.

Charles_Harding · 25th February 2007, 11:21

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight.

Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down.

We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.

We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat."

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks."

He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye.

The vet calls my husband El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.

They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.

The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.

A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's ***** doesn't stink any more and it's finally clean and shaved, so she now smells like a rose.

Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant.

God only knows who the father is!"

Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even.

"The older I get the older 'old' gets!"

Charles H.

Charles_Harding · 25th February 2007, 11:44

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers:

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
************************************************** **************************
Tower: " US Air 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
US Air 2341: "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet.
How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a
747 makes when it hits a 757?"
************************************************** **************************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329 Heavy: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this..
United 329 Heavy I've got the little Fokker in sight."
************************************************** **************************
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
************************************************** **************************
A DC-10 had come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.
If you are not able, take the Main St exit off Highway 101, make a right at the traffic lights and return to the airport."
************************************************** **************************
A British Airways 767 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German):
" Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English):
"If you want an answer you must speak in English"
Lufthansa (in English):
"I am a German, trying to fly a German airplane, in German airspace.
Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!"
************************************************** **************************
Tower: "Hawaiian Air 702, cleared for takeoff,
contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Hawaiian Air 702: "Tower, Hawaiian Air 702 switching to Departure.
By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind
of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Hawaiian Air 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7.
Did you copy that report from Hawaiian Air 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635 Heavy, cleared for take off, Roger; and yes, we copied Hawaiian Air...
we've already notified our caterers."
************************************************** **************************
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
************************************************** **************************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gateparking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. Soit was with some amusement that we listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, radio call sign Speedbird 206...Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):
"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, ------ and I didn't land."
************************************************** **************************
While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 767. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"

"I'm far too young to be this old!"

Charles H.

Charles_Harding · 25th February 2007, 11:49

Gay Flight Attendant

My flight to Perth was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down
the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this
well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. Sidling up to her, he said... "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big nasty noisy engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I
am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied,
without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. so Tray up Bitch!"

Old age is when you know all the answers but no one asks the questions any more!"

Charles H.

sco77harris · 25th February 2007, 12:34

is that true?

Charles_Harding · 25th February 2007, 12:37

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I sick, headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like that, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say, I feel great, be work soon.....you got nice house."

"I'm old, Lady H. says Charles go upstairs and we can make love. My reply is I can't do both!"

Charles H.

Charles_Harding · 25th February 2007, 13:40

Of course, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Would I lie to you?

"I think that Peter Stringfelloww's hairstyle is older than most of his girlfriends!"

Charle H.

Pottsy · 25th February 2007, 14:19

Quote:

Originally Posted by sco77harris

is that true?

It might have been told before....

beepee · 25th February 2007, 14:53

A rabbit and a bear met up by chance in the woods, and had a chat.

"Tell me, rabbit " said the bear,

"When you take a dump, do you find that the shlt sticks to your fur?"

"Why yes"replied the rabbit, "I must say that it does".

"Good" said the bear.

Then the bear picked the rabbit up, and wiped his bum with him.

PhilCarrie · 25th February 2007, 15:58

should the off topic section get renamed to the bad 80's joke section?

czechplastik · 25th February 2007, 16:00

Quote:

Originally Posted by PhilCarrie

should the off topic section get renamed to the bad 80's joke section?

Wonders if Phil is hairy....

elfa7 · 25th February 2007, 16:32

Quote:

Originally Posted by czechplastik

Wonders if Phil is hairy....

I heard his driving is !!!!

PhilCarrie · 25th February 2007, 17:28

Quote:

Originally Posted by czechplastik

Wonders if Phil is hairy....

hahahahahahaaaaaaa FORD!!!!!

sorry couldn't help myself

3rd February 2007, 17:33	#1 (permalink)
Koos Holswilder Valve Cap Join Date: 3rd December 2006 Posts: 23 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts iTrader: (0)	blond joke A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of her car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," ! he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says... "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

10th February 2007, 15:19	#6 (permalink)
Charles Harding Join Date: 14th August 2006 Posts: 0 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts iTrader: (0)	Reading Test Harvard Reading Test This was developed as an age test by an R&D department Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age can't do it! 1. This is this cat 2. This is is cat 3. This is how cat 4. This is to cat 5. This is keep cat 6. This is an cat 7. This is old cat 8. This is person cat 9. This is busy cat 10. This is for cat 11. This is forty cat 12. This is seconds cat Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and then I bet you can't resist passing it on silly but funny...

10th February 2007, 16:39	#7 (permalink)
Charles_Harding Civinfo guru Join Date: 14th August 2006 Location: S.E. London Posts: 3,303 Thanks: 113 Thanked 27 Times in 26 Posts iTrader: (0)	Tips for a healthy lifestyle HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single ! One, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: You're not listening....Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! ! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave and the pearly gates with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride" *"How come you play at a recital but recite at a play?"* Charles H.

25th February 2007, 11:21	#8 (permalink)
Charles_Harding Civinfo guru Join Date: 14th August 2006 Location: S.E. London Posts: 3,303 Thanks: 113 Thanked 27 Times in 26 Posts iTrader: (0)	Jokes Thread.... (MERGED) One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat." The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion. The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's *** doesn't stink any more and it's finally clean and shaved, so she now smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door. Now THAT, my friends, is getting even. "The older I get the older 'old' gets!"** Charles H.

25th February 2007, 11:44	#9 (permalink)
Charles_Harding Civinfo guru Join Date: 14th August 2006 Location: S.E. London Posts: 3,303 Thanks: 113 Thanked 27 Times in 26 Posts iTrader: (0)	Here's one for Pottsy Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers: Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!" ************************************************ ********************** Tower: " US Air 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." US Air 2341: "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 757?" ********************************************** ********************** O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 329 Heavy: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.. United 329 Heavy I've got the little Fokker in sight." ********************************************** ********************** A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff." ********************************************** ********************** A DC-10 had come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Main St exit off Highway 101, make a right at the traffic lights and return to the airport." ********************************************** ************************ A British Airways 767 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English" Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, trying to fly a German airplane, in German airspace. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!" ************************************************ ********************** Tower: "Hawaiian Air 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Hawaiian Air 702: "Tower, Hawaiian Air 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Hawaiian Air 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Hawaiian Air 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635 Heavy, cleared for take off, Roger; and yes, we copied Hawaiian Air... we've already notified our caterers." ********************************************** ********************** One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one." ********************************************** ********************** The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gateparking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. Soit was with some amusement that we listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, radio call sign Speedbird 206...Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, ------ and I didn't land." ********************************************** ********************** While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 767. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?" "I'm far too young to be this old!"** Charles H.


This thread is about: Jokes Thread.... (MERGED), it's in Any non Civic chat here please! at the Honda Civic forum Civinfo; A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, ...

4th February 2007, 23:41	#2 (permalink)
czechplastik King of the rodeo Civinfo guru Join Date: 24th October 2006 Location: Belfast Posts: 4,647 Thanks: 0 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post iTrader: (0)	Aww man thats terrible! lol

5th February 2007, 09:06	#3 (permalink)
Meino Supporter Triangular Exhaust Join Date: 18th October 2006 Location: Netherlands Posts: 474 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts iTrader: (0)	I love blondes

5th February 2007, 14:29	#4 (permalink)
generationgav Supporter Magic Rear Seat Join Date: 29th May 2006 Location: Manchester, UK Posts: 808 Thanks: 0 Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts iTrader: (0)	Reminds me of; A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?" Her husband replies "Put it between your legs to keep it warm." She asks, "What about the smell?" He says, "Hold its nose."

5th February 2007, 14:38	#5 (permalink)
Meino Supporter Triangular Exhaust Join Date: 18th October 2006 Location: Netherlands Posts: 474 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts iTrader: (0)	Good one generationgav!!

25th February 2007, 11:49	#10 (permalink)
Charles_Harding Civinfo guru Join Date: 14th August 2006 Location: S.E. London Posts: 3,303 Thanks: 113 Thanked 27 Times in 26 Posts iTrader: (0)	For Pottsy as well Gay Flight Attendant My flight to Perth was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. Sidling up to her, he said... "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big nasty noisy engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one." To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. so Tray up Bitch!" *Old age is when you know all the answers but no one asks the questions any more!"* Charles H. Last edited by Charles_Harding; 25th February 2007 at 11:52.

25th February 2007, 12:34	#11 (permalink)
sco77harris Supporter Magic Rear Seat Join Date: 5th June 2006 Location: stanmore london Posts: 978 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts iTrader: (0)	is that true?

25th February 2007, 12:37	#12 (permalink)
Charles_Harding Civinfo guru Join Date: 14th August 2006 Location: S.E. London Posts: 3,303 Thanks: 113 Thanked 27 Times in 26 Posts iTrader: (0)	Chinese Sick Day Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I sick, headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work." The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like that, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say, I feel great, be work soon.....you got nice house." "I'm old, Lady H. says Charles go upstairs and we can make love. My reply is I can't do both!" Charles H.

25th February 2007, 13:40	#13 (permalink)
Charles_Harding Civinfo guru Join Date: 14th August 2006 Location: S.E. London Posts: 3,303 Thanks: 113 Thanked 27 Times in 26 Posts iTrader: (0)	Of course, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Would I lie to you? *"I think that Peter Stringfelloww's hairstyle is older than most of his girlfriends!"* Charle H.

25th February 2007, 14:53	#15 (permalink)
beepee Wheelnut Join Date: 1st December 2006 Posts: 66 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts iTrader: (0)	Sticky Fur A rabbit and a bear met up by chance in the woods, and had a chat. "Tell me, rabbit " said the bear, "When you take a dump, do you find that the shlt sticks to your fur?" "Why yes"replied the rabbit, "I must say that it does". "Good" said the bear. Then the bear picked the rabbit up, and wiped his bum with him.

25th February 2007, 15:58	#16 (permalink)
PhilCarrie Locking Wheelnut Join Date: 15th January 2007 Location: Lancashire Posts: 118 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts iTrader: (0)	should the off topic section get renamed to the bad 80's joke section?