men vs women

[TTDegs]

When girls don't put out!!


I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women
differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and
Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head
and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I
don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough
for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me
for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to
sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
with her.

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried
on several different very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy
them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said,
"Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair
of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a
tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the
excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this
is all dear, let's go to the checkout."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I
don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a
baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a
while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man
enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the
things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.... but at least that
bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

[Cad]

I might try this out in Sainsburys tomorrow.







Anyone have a spare room?

[TTDegs]

more along the same lines:


We always hear " the rules "
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side. These are OUR rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.


1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.


1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted in two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant THE OTHER ONE .


1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.


1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as rugby, cars, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[TTDegs]

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMENS' ENGLISH



Yes............No
No..............Yes
Maybe........No
We Need....I want
I'm sorry.....You'll be sorry
We need to talk.........You're in trouble
Sure, go ahead..........you better not
Do what you want......You will pay for this later
I'm not upset................Or course, I'm upset, you moron!
Your're attentive tonight......Is sex all you ever think about?



DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH

I'm hungry............I'm hungry
I'm sleepy.............I'm sleepy
I'm tired................I'm tired
Nice dress...........Nice cleavage!
I love you..............Let's have sex now
I'm bored..............do you want to have sex
May I have this dance...........I'd like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime.......I'd like to have sex with you
Do you want to go to a movie.....I'd like to have sex with you
Can I take you to dinner.........I'd like to have sex with you
I don't think those shoes go with that outfit..........I'm gay!

[sarahjo]

Ohhh purleesseeee.......
1. Where would u be without us women
2. If we are that bad...why d'ya keep coming back for more!!!


Men.....tsk!!!!!

[Topcat]

No SJ they are right - men are always right you should know that

[sarahjo]

Originally Posted by Topcat

No SJ they are right - men are always right you should know that

Oh silly me...how could i forget!!!!!!

[Topcat]

Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....Parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like.....Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like.....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like.....Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

[sarahjo]

Originally Posted by Topcat

Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....Parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like.....Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like.....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like.....Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Touche.....u are my heroine TC!!!!! Thats one up on the boys!!!

[Power_of_Dreams]

bit harsh lol

[sarahjo]

Originally Posted by Power_of_Dreams

bit harsh lol

Why???? Come on ..spill...lets get to understand how a man really thinks!!!

[Topcat]

Whats the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs dont turn into men when they have had a drink.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife. Now thats harsh lol

[sarahjo]

Originally Posted by Topcat

Whats the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs dont turn into men when they have had a drink.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife. Now thats harsh lol

Yeah u are right..that is harsh.....not sure i can laugh at that joke (take deep breath and count!!!)

[Topcat]

Seems to me SJ they can dish it out but don't like it coming back - typical man eh??

[Power_of_Dreams]

not all men are the same, we cant ALL be painted with the same brush surely

[sarahjo]

Originally Posted by Topcat

Seems to me SJ they can dish it out but don't like it coming back - typical man eh??

U know i was waiting for a reply from a guy to make that comment...but alas...nothing!!!!???!!!

[sarahjo]

Originally Posted by Power_of_Dreams

not all men are the same, we cant ALL be painted with the same brush surely

Depends which brush u are painting with

[Topcat]

I blame TTDegs he started it!!

[sarahjo]

Originally Posted by Topcat

I blame TTDegs he started it!!

U know..there is always a man at the bottome of it!! whatever it is!!

[Power_of_Dreams]

iv got a brush...im not letting u near it....just quite yet...