The consolidated JOKE THREAD - Civinfo
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post #1 of 507 (permalink) Old 16th June 2011, 18:52 Thread Starter
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The consolidated JOKE THREAD

Please post all your jokes in this thread.

I'm not merging all old jokes in here as the replies overlap from a time perspective and this would make them hard to read.



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post #2 of 507 (permalink) Old 16th June 2011, 19:00
This may be spam
 
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Police in Liverpool have arrested 3 of 4 well known Scouse Islamic Terrorists: Bin Snortin, Bin Thievin and Bin Dealin. There was no sign of Bin Workin.
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post #3 of 507 (permalink) Old 16th June 2011, 19:28
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In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their Family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain Transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the Brain yourselves."

The family members sat silently as they absorbed the news. After a great Length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "Rs. 50,000 for a male brain, and Rs. 200 for a Female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding Eye contact wi th the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to Control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire Group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the Price of the female brains, because they've actually been used, the male Brains are hardly ever used by the owners. So they are as good as new"

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post #4 of 507 (permalink) Old 20th June 2011, 20:42
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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
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post #5 of 507 (permalink) Old 20th June 2011, 23:15
I'LL NEVER WALK ALONE
 
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i took a dyslexic bird home last night,
she ended up cooking my sock !!
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post #6 of 507 (permalink) Old 20th June 2011, 23:22
I'LL NEVER WALK ALONE
 
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A feminist visits Kabul just after the fall of the taliban & is not pleased to find that women must walk 5 paces behind the men.
A year later she returns & is delighted to find that men must now walk 5 paces behind women.
She asked the interpreter "what brought about the change?"
He replied "LANDMINES"
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post #7 of 507 (permalink) Old 21st June 2011, 21:08
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United States Doormats.

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post #8 of 507 (permalink) Old 22nd June 2011, 08:07
 
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Och Aye The Poo

Regards all

Juan
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post #9 of 507 (permalink) Old 22nd June 2011, 08:19
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..thats funny
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post #10 of 507 (permalink) Old 22nd June 2011, 09:51
everythings upsy daisy.
 
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ha ha ha ha! nice one
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post #11 of 507 (permalink) Old 22nd June 2011, 10:12
...............Daedalus
 
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Damn scots!
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post #12 of 507 (permalink) Old 22nd June 2011, 14:41
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And the fact that a drunken melee took place at the temperance hall just makes it even better...
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post #13 of 507 (permalink) Old 24th June 2011, 12:17
 
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A bloke called at my house today and said "Do you want your she re-tarred?"

I said "no thanks"

and then the **** took my shed away............





You wont hear from me for a while, I'm being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables, I've got to lilo..........


I was in a porno cinema the other day, just as the feature film started a guy shouted at me "you are disgusting". I just ignored him, then another guy shouted "you should be ashamed of yourself". I turned round and said "we are all here for the same thinh you are just as bad as me"
A third guy called me a "sick *******".
I said "right, thats is, come on kids were going home"


Fancy a night out?
Next Friday night
Charity disco in aid of women born with no legs.
Place will be crawaling with fanny


Some idiot texted this to me

g
ab
n

Its bang out of order



Isnt it strange how hot sexy women allways drive cute little cars.........that reminds me, the MOT's due on the wifes Transit



Jut bough a new TomTom, I thought it would be funny to enter ****** ans see were I ended up..............put the kettle on I'm outside your house


I received a parcel from Holland today, I opened it and there was a rubber fanny inside, I thought "thats nice, two lips from Amsterdam"



Regards all

Juan
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post #14 of 507 (permalink) Old 24th June 2011, 13:01
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Liverpool City Centre this morning, and Police were called to respond to a "suspect item" spotted in a car windscreen. Reports later revealed the item was a tax disc.

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post #15 of 507 (permalink) Old 24th June 2011, 15:36
aka Colin
 
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lmao...quality
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post #16 of 507 (permalink) Old 24th June 2011, 16:06
 
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My Uncle was a crap ventriloquist, he used to shove two fingers up my arese and tell me not to say anything.

A woman goes to the Doctor and says I've got a problem with my fanny, there'e this lettuce growing out of it. Dr had a look and says that's quite nasty, its worse than you can see, that's only the tip of the iceberg.


Regards all

Juan
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post #17 of 507 (permalink) Old 24th June 2011, 16:13
 
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Happy & Sad.

A husband and wife were sat watching TV, he turned to his wife and said "tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time"

She replied, "youv'e got a bigger willy than all your mates"

Regards all

Juan
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post #18 of 507 (permalink) Old 26th June 2011, 07:31
Scottish not British
 
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Garage
Quote:
Originally Posted by mpn_daedalus View Post
Damn scots!
and thats supposed to mean ??
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post #19 of 507 (permalink) Old 26th June 2011, 10:30
TIMMEH!!!!!!
 
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7 signs that Winnie the Pooh characters are on drugs:

1. Eeyoe doesn't care about anything, has lack of motivation, and has slow reactions... Marijuana

2. Piglet is afraid of everything and is paranoid of constanlty being chased... Mushrooms

3. Rabbit is always in everyones business and constanly needs everything... Cocaine

4. Tigger can't calm down, always bounces around the place and is never tired... Ecstasy

5.Pooh loves sweets and has the wildest imaginations... LSD

6. Christopher Robin can talk to animals... Hallucinogens

7. Owl is always there when anyone needs him... Dealer.
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post #20 of 507 (permalink) Old 26th June 2011, 10:33
TIMMEH!!!!!!
 
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Two englishmen open a shop in Argyle street in Glasgow and are sitting in the empty shop waiting on stock to be delivered. The first englishman says to his mate "bet you we have some nosey Scottish b*****d asking what we are selling." Sure enough within five minutes the door opens and a wee Glaswegian guy says "whit yous selling in here big man?" Englishman says "we're selling a**holes" Without missing a beat the Glaswegian comes back "yir doin well, only two left!"

Last edited by Robert Burns; 26th June 2011 at 10:37.
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